Dear My Fabulous Trans sisters, Cool it with the Reactionary Activism

Being transgender is an experience; I’ve known trans people from all over and I’ve noticed we often share universal experiences, hopes, and insecurities. Unfortunately I think there is also plenty of anger and frustration with a world that doesn’t see us the way we deserve. I know every time I see some form of transphobia or LGBT violence I just lose it inside and wonder how a world could be so screwed up.

But we need to channel that energy in a more productive matter rather than take to the internet to voice hateful messages back at those we mistakenly see as our oppressors.

From the People that brought you #fuckcispeople – Presenting Pierce Morgan:

I’ll start by saying I don’t really like Morgan. To me, hes like a slightly more amusing and better versed Simon Cowell – but I’ve always been more of an America’s got talent girl than and American Idol fan anyway (don’t blame me, my parents love AGT and watch it all the time). But here is the problem. Morgan is not well versed in trans issues and makes a living as a infotainmer.

YES, he should have prepared better for the interview with the lovely Janet Mock, BUT, to put it lightly, he is Piece goddamn Morgan, His brand is a certain caliber of arrogant snobbery.

I doubt anyone was going to tell him how to prepare his interview better, and naturally he is defensive after being called out. We’ve been telling him he is a transphobe and bad a this job. moreover, we are yelling at him over the internet about it. And As much as a love hearing the powerful voices of our community, we need to pick our battles better. I know everyone wants to get their online-activist points for the week by taking down Pierce, but I honestly think we’ve done enough. There are just too many other issues important to our community.

But Speaking of our image in the media, Jared Leto isn’t a transphobe – he may be an idiot though.

When Leto gave his acceptance speech at the Golden Globes, myself and others were utterly pissed to hear all he had to talk about was waxing his whole body to play Raydon. Of course it’s a bit insulting to hear how brave and innovative Leto is for dressing up like a woman for a lucrative acting career. Imagine going to MUCH further lengths just to feel okay with your own existence.  And while I think the LGBT community is right to withhold praise from the movie, we need to keep the conversation in perspective.

Paris Lees, one of my all time favorite possibility models (love that term) wrote a while ago that a key to building a better portrayal within the media lies with the development of empathy. We need to pick our battles and promote positive portrayals by openly engaging with the media.

Laverne Cox and Carmen Carrera did a fantastic job with the Katie Couric interview. They quickly and gracefully turned the interview into a chance to discuss the objectification of trans people. At that point, NO ONE should have gone after Katie Couric. I think anyone who saw that interview, took away a positive attitude towards trans people. I have a feeling that Mock was taken completely off guard by Morgans line of questioning and wasn’t able to quickly regain control of the interview.  Morgan is also very good at keeping a tight leash over the conversation.  But people that don’t follow LGBT news outlets, might not understand why we’re so angry. That’s why we need to be civil in supporting Janet Mock.

A lot of Americans think words like Liberal and Feminist are bad words, things you don’t want to be. People constantly try and paint us as angry and unreasonable, which is sexist at best and misinformed at the worst. In order to avoid for the Trans community to avoid this pitfall, we need to save our angry for the truly outrageous.

Save your anger for the deliberate vilification of trans people.

Save your anger for the hate crimes and discrimination.

Save it for our brothers and sisters in Russia.

And cherish ever step toward progress.



PS: Even though I have relative moderate stances of activism, I will totally lead the charge against anyone who utters the word tranny intentionally.

Posted in Trans stuff | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

So I’ve Been Away

I’m still back home. I came home expecting a great and refreshing break, which would give me plenty of time to write, learn french, and prepare for next semester. Here’s what has happened instead:

My dog died. 

Mattie was no ordinary dog – which is what everyone thinks about their childhood pet. But I truly know how deeply she touched my heart and my family’s hearts. I have never seen my whole family cry. I  have cried every day since she left us. She had an amazing connection with us and astounded me with her intelligence and capacity to love. That was undoubtedly  the worst day of my life to date, and the saddest I have ever been.

I haven’t felt like writing because writing brings me closer to my emotions, and I haven’t been able to stand it.

I did terribly in one of my major classes.

I know I could have done well, I thought I would do okay, but for the one-thousandth time, I have failed myself. I received a B in another class simple because I did none of the homework – I could have easily had an A. furthermore I showed lackluster performance in my other classes simple because I did not try. I don’t really understand why I do this to myself; when I apply myself, I do well.

Somewhere inside me, I think I would rather not-try and scrape by than try and fail.

Christmas was mediocre.

It was just my immediate family minus my brother and departed dog. Sadly vet bills ate up the Christmas budget. It just wasn’t a great time; everyone was sad inside.

My 21st birthday is coming up and I will probably celebrate it alone.

I’m not sure what I will do if I am home. I thought about trying to go back up to DC, but i’m not sure if there would be anyone there for me or a place for me to stay. I haven’t really received any invitations. Most my friends lives in the northeast and I am in the south.

(New Years will definitely be celebrated alone)

I’ve been terrified for the future.

I’m trying to decide what to do with my life. Since sixth grade I’ve only ever really considered three careers. I pretty quickly dismissed working as a Foreign Service Officer ( I also narrowly avoided the armed forces). I’ve spend my time deviating between aspiring to work as a financial/economic analyst or working in the political landscape.

On one hand, I have always had an innate fascination with markets and economic systems. But I’ve also always been an avid political junkie and am passionate about LGBT rights. This is stressing me out because I am trying to determine the path I will take to set myself up for senior year and post-graduation.  I am nervous that if I don’t prepare soon enough, I will not be able to break into the business world. While at the same time I am scared that I can’t find internships in the field because I am transitioning.

I am also interested in journalist pertaining to those fields, but I am stilled faced with similar issues.

I feel like I have a responsibility to other members of the LGBT community, and especially trans community, who are worse off than myself. I have a loving family, good education, and have been lucky enough financially to fund my transition. So, I feel that I should fight for those who cannot. I am scared that I won’t succeed working in LGBT activism and that I will neither make a difference or be able to  support myself.

But french is going okay.

Which is good, because if I don’t learn it in a year and a half, I can’t graduate.

au revoir,


Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

Let’s Get Down to Business

… to study for finals.

So it finals week, and while I have been working on some posts, no work on posts shall be done until after finals even though lots of cool stuff has happened :(. In other news, I am kind of lonely and miss being out in the dating world; I have not got this long without being romantically involved in like 5 years.

Happy finals Week,


Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

Lawyer Asserts that Transgender Prostitute’s Life Worth Less, Thankfully, Judge Disagrees

Rasheen Everett after his arrest. New York Times

By Emily Ann Smith

The Attorney of a man convicted in the brutal slaying of a transgender prostitute argued for leniency in sentencing his client because she didn’t belong to a certain class of individual, according to the New York Post.

“A sentence of 25 years to life is an incredibly long period of time judge,” John Scarpa said Thursday as he asked a judge to go easy on his client, Rasheen Everett, for killing hooker Amanda Gonzalez-Andujar in 2010.

“Shouldn’t that be reserved for people who are guilty of killing certain classes of individuals?”

Then, taking callousness to a new level, he said: “Who is the victim in this case? Is the victim a person in the higher end of the community?”

– New York Post

In 2010, Rasheen Everett strangled Amanda Gonzalez-Andujar after he claims to have discovered that she had male genitalia. A judge has sentenced him to 29 years in prison.

The judge made it clear he did not agree with Everett’s Attorney, John Scarpa, by saying “This court believes every human life in sacred… It’s not easy living as a transgender.”

Scarpa’s arguments are deeply troubling and emblematic of an idea that trans people, and all people who engage in sex work, are worth less or that they aren’t human. In the past, the tendency to be overlooked by society has allowed murders to take the lives of prostitutes while raising little alarm.

This is especially disturbing because being transgender makes you far more likely to engage in sex work. Trans people often face discrimination in employment.

A study found that, on average, trans women can see a one-third drop in salary upon transitioning. Furthermore, education gaps and poverty are commonplace and make it impossible for some trans people to obtain employment in the traditional economy.

Transition is expensive. hormones, hair removal, and surgeries total up to tens of thousands of dollars, all while trans people see wages evaporating from discrimination.

Faced with decreasing income and rising expenses, it is clear why many trans people turn to sex work.

But the nature of that work does not make them any less valuable as human beings. Something Scarpa continuously claimed during the trial, saying ““Amanda was engaged in a life of prostitution, life of drug use, HIV exposure.”

Sadly, life sometimes forces people into prostitution, and then they are treated as sub-human for it.

However, even trans women who are not prostitutes can often be arrested for solicitation in some parts of the US.

In New York City, trans women have found themselves jailed simply for carrying condoms. One study said that 59 percent of trans people asked had been stopped by the police. And many times, the police will confiscate condoms from people whether they are prostitutes or not.

This has proven particularity troubling for  homeless members of the transgender population, who may often appear to loiter because they have no place to go. If they are arrested carrying condoms, they are very likely to plea guilty rather than try to fight an uphill legal battle.

It’s good to see that Everett’s attorney did not use a transgender panic defense – saying that the shock Everett received upon  learning that Gonzalez-Andujar had male genitalia made him temporarily insane.

A few years ago, the use of this defense might have been far more likely. Over just the last ten years there has been positive shift in the treatment of crimes against trans people  by the justice system.

But the point remains. Trans people, whether they are prostitutes or preschool teachers, are people. Hopefully, the dehumanization and characterization of  trans people will stop and everyone will become more equal under the law – but not until some serious changes are made.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Trying to shake the feeling that you’re not trans enough.

By Emily Ann Smith 

Who I am in my personal life and who I am in public are different, because I’m still too scared to present as a woman. Yet I’ve given up so much to transition: so many friends, so many opportunities, someone I loved.

I’m doubting my self identity; How do you keep telling yourself you’re one way, when everyone keeps telling you that you’re the other.

How can I be comfortable at times presenting as male – shouldn’t it hurt me so much that I can’t bear it?

What brought this confidence crisis on?

I’m doing a program for the third time. I will  lead again a group of freshman, helping them assimilate into college life.  All the returning leaders know me well, many of them know I’m trans. Still, I am still presenting and acting as my old self – and I had fun.

But I actually feel guilty that being trans hasn’t ruined other fun things in my life. I feel shitty because there can be times when I’m happy as Dan. I feel messed up because people like my dad keep trying to make me think I’m not transgender.

Living two lives is so difficult, I’m just sick of being in between. I’m more isolated than ever. I want for transition to be over so I can just live my life as Emily.

How do I find the courage to be myself.

I’m having a hard time organizing my thoughts. Things keep entering my conscious, but before I can grasp hold of them, they’re gone.

On Friday I be speaking publicly about being transgender on a panel at my university. The audience will be people from all over the student population.

I’m kind of scared.

I’m not sure what will happen to the aspects of my life where I’m afraid to be out. My other job at the student newspaper or the program I mentioned earlier. I feel like a fraud when I tell people my name is Emily when I look and sound like a guy.

I just want to be real.

Posted in Trans stuff | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

The Inevitable Post Thanksgiving Reflection: a Trip Home in Two Parts

by Emily Ann Smith

I can ultimately say I had a positive trip back home this Thanksgiving.  It was the longest I’ve been home in about a year – just 6 days. It was also a time that was as turbulent as it was joyful.

Part I. The rundown and some narrowly avoided trauma:

My dad picked me up from school early in the afternoon and drove us straight back down to North Carolina from DC. We spend the ride speaking of our normal subjects: politics, business, what’s been happening at home, etc. We made no mention of my gender exploits – the entire family still gender me as a male – and raced home with the expectation of entertaining on thanksgiving.

Enter my dog, Mattie. The day after we got home, she started acting weird and sluggish. She showed difficulty getting up which proved worrisome for the family and I. By the night, we were carrying her, as she couldn’t walk and seemed not long for this world. inexplicably, about a two days later, she made a recover and started running around again. It was an emotional roller coaster, as I tried to come to terms with my dogs near-death. It turns out that I found myself far more prepared to lose her than I previously anticipated.

With our canine now in good health, we resurrected plans to go down to the beach for a oyster roast with the family. I was thoroughly surprised with how members of the extended family treated me. No one in the dark disparaged my altered appearance and none of the enlightened to my identity voiced disapproval.  The most encouraging words I received were from my eldest aunt, who tightly embraced me and told me “I’m so happy you’ve made this discovery! As a feminist, let me tell you that I think this is a very exciting time to be a woman. I’m just so happy for you.” She had far more to say, but I can hardly remember it all; at the end of the trip she game me some books on gender and told me she wanted my opinion on gender as a social construct.

All in all, the time at the beach was great. I got to meet my brothers new girlfriend, who is wonderful. We ate the largest oysters I have ever seen along with clam chowder, shrimp, collards, tipsy-cake, and every southern delight imaginable.

Part II. Talking to my parents about where I’m headed.

I knew I needed to talk to my parents about my transition while I was home. We hadn’t really talked about it in a long time and I’ve been a little worried that they will be less receptive if i don’t keep them in the loop. I approached my mom first.

And, as expected, things ended up being pretty simple with my mom. She told me that she was glad I was seeing a therapist who was not affiliated with any LBGT center. Both she and my dad have repeated expressed a concern that I have been receiving insulating opinions as to my gender Dysphoria. However, she also expressed the belief that I have taken control of my transition and that she has faith in my ability to run my life.

Despite her equivocal support, she still genders me as her son. It seems like, to both parents, I still need to become a girl first. She is also very concerned with the concept of social transitioning; her unrest stems from  fear that I will face insurmountable discrimination – a fear shared with my father.

But after all that, she still has shown a surprising level of comfort with the general thought of me transitioning. My mom has even shown an impressive flexibility with my sexual orientation and has demonstrated that she understands that it can be unrelated to gender identity.

My Dad has been a bit more rigid. He has stated clearly that he will completely support me… if… I am transgender. meaning he has not been convinced. He seems to believe that there is another deeper psychological issue at play here. It appears to me that my father is looking for excuses that will prevent me from transitioning because he is afraid he won’t be able to protect me from discrimination and unhappiness.

He continually would point to instances from my childhood where he thought I had another issue. This issue was that I have a innate desire to please people and achieve perfection as to not let loved ones down. It is true that I have a hard time disappointing people and that I am a very loyal friend. but, the fact that I have this tendency is independent of my Gender Dysphoria. In the car ride home, he would bring up example after example from my childhood of me having issues with friends – the trouble is – all these examples happened long after I became away of my gender identity.

The real reason why I have a hard time with letting people down is because I’ve been put under a lot of pressure to succeed by my parents and received a lot of support from them too. This dependence on people around me was nurtured by the fact that many of my early childhood friends were, for lack of a better term, assholes who tried to use me and put me into one-sided and near abusive friendships. My constant obsession with what other people think and my propensity to dismiss my own feelings has not created my gender dysphoira. But is has influenced the way in which I deal with it and prolonged the survival of my own transphobia.

One thing I have experienced with coming out to my parents is a new, previously unfathomable, level of openness in communication. Along with our serious talk, I spent most of yesterday reminiscing with my dad about various funny people we’d met and crazy stuff we’d seen go down. It was a blast – but sadly, I’m afraid that because I fail to fit into my dad’s mold of a transgender person, our relationship faces some harder time ahead.

Posted in My Stuff | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Examining Privilege as One of the Worst Offenders

By Emily Ann Smith

One of my most moving experiences occurred in train a station in Xi’an, China , 2010. Xi’an, for those of you not familiar with the city, is the ancient capital of China and resting place of the Terracotta warriors.

I sat in the train station with a busload of students from my high school who were abroad in China for the summer. Alongside us were maybe a thousand Chinese – many of whom were migrant laborers returning home to the countryside. We sat in strong contrast to the migrants.

(If your interesting in reading more about migrant laborers in China)

We were similar in our metropolitan exodus, both clenching large handfuls of possessions and porting gifts for loved ones back home. Our differences, more starkly defined by cushy American upbringings and favoritism from station officials.

From Wikihow: How to Safely Travel in China by Train

As the boarding signal lit, everyone in the enormous terminal simultaneously lurched towards the exit gate. Upon seeing a gaggle of American tourists, the gate officials quickly made it clear that no one would pass until the Americans cleared gate. Just like that, we walked passed hundreds of Chinese, exuding western privilege, given better treatment than the people who live there.

Seeing this treatment happen again and again made me reflect. how could I ignore it? When disparity is so clear, it is impossible to look past. But when a disparity in privilege is more obscure or hard to rationalize, we have an easier time accepting it.

This is why I want to examine my privilege, for I am subject to immense privilege.

Born a White upper-middle class male, life afforded me immeasurable rights. life gave me Economic benefits like expensive education, general welfare and also difficult to quantify social benefits.

A year ago, a friend asked that I accompany him shopping. He required another set of eyes and considered me fashionable enough for the job. I more than knew my way around a department store. We first visited Nordstrom to find a pair of shoes. It requires noting that my friend immigrated from China and has called New York home for over a decade.

On his own, it took him ten minutes to flag down a salesman to ask about trying on a pair of boat shoes. After bringing him the pair, the salesman again disappeared and turned his attention to a Waspy couple. It saddened me to see my friend snubbed. He did end up buying the shoes and we assured the cashier that no one had helped him.

When we went to Brooks Brothers we hoped we wouldn’t experience the same attitude. I knew the sales clerk working had no problem with young people because he appeared at my beck and call every time I  had previously visited. but again, we were disappointed. Again, It proved harder for him to flag down the clerks attention. He was told things were “over there” or “by that” rather than being delicately led through the displays.

We got to the point were I would flag down salespeople and tell them what he was looking for because it seemed to move things along better. Was that because I’m tall, was well dressed, and confident, rather than my race? The truth, I feel is both played a role.  I was always confident I would receive help because I’d come to expect it.

(See: Barney’s New York Scandal – Shopping while black)

This instance again made me sit back and look at my social privilege.

But the biggest change in privilege I’ve noticed,  is the loss of my male privilege by transitioning.

I now notice different treatment from many friends and acquaintances. My infallibility, less expected, my opinion, less sought. I am not an expect on fields no longer deemed within my domain. I always knew that sexism existed, but never dreamed of its prevalence.

Always Remember…

for some people, “you’re a woman!” can discredit my argument quicker than any rational assertion.

I’m “emotional” or “crazy.”

Incapable, because I’ve been dulled by estrogen.

Its usually more subtle, but the implications and double standards are often there.

and yet, I’m still immensely privileged. I’m still white, I’m young, thin, educated – but also worried.

It is already harder for me to be taken seriously in a job with only male co-workers.

I’m worried that I will be less likely to be promoted if I’m not attractive and thought of as undeserving  if I am.

I carefully pick my walking routes, always mindful of dark secluded areas.

This has all been strange for me. A year ago I would not have considered myself a feminist, not only because inequality escaped my eyes, but also because the negative tone with which  feminism was introduced to me.

Transition has proven to be, well transformative. That’s why I am often disillusioned by out tendency to focus on the external changes. The internal transformation, the emotional challenge, leaves an impact that forever defines our worldview. That is part of why being transgender is a large part of who I am.

Luckily, I have had the privilege of seeing that.

For arguments sake and to feel fair I will link this. Comments welcome as always. Am I a terrible person who has it all wrong? tell me.

Posted in Trans stuff, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Senate Democrats go Nuclear

I’ve said time and time again I would avoid talking about politics on here. Well forget that. I’m all about being myself – right?

So the democrats in the senate decided to use the “nuclear option’ and change the votes required for cloture on judicial and executive nominees from 60 to a simple majority. This reverted the change that was made in 1975. Senate democrats are taking a gamble here, but it’s one think will play out favorably for them.

The backlog of nominees needs to be cleared out. Republicans are near the edge of entering a period of political ruin.  While democrats seem to think they can weather any fallout from Obamacare and profit off fallout from the government shutdown.

The senate republicans have been overreaching, even if less so than their house counterparts. Republicans have tried to filibuster executive branch nominees including the secretary of defense – an unprecedented move. Their refusal to allow the confirmation of federal judges has created deep shortages of circuit court judges. In early 2013, 30 courts were in a state of “judicial emergency.” Republicans have been slowing down and blocking confirmations since Obama’s inauguration despite his relatively moderate  nominees.

What concerns me is that the republicans have appeared to lost control of their expenditures of political capital. By rejecting everything the administration and the democrats do, they think they can wear down their opposition. This might be true if not for the fact that republicans are perfectly willing to take down their own for a more conservative candidates. Instead of making progress, the GOP has generated a poor image with the public. And while there are still plenty of people casting votes for the republican party, they are becoming less likely to identify as members.  The number of Americans identifying as independents has risen steadily and many of these voters are identifying as libertarian.

While Libertarians will generally vote for republican candidates, the people they elect often won’t work within the framework of the republican leadership. As libertarian and tea party republicans buck from the herd, moderate republicans may feel that they can get away with disagreeing with party leadership. ENDA passed the senate with bipartisan support including a vote from Senator McCain. If the central part of the senate minority’s strategy is to always say no to the democrats, and they can’t do that anymore, what remains of the republican minority? McConnell should reorganize and re-prioritize.

Fracturing is robbing the effectiveness of the GOP. The democrats have remained relatively unified and become effective campaigners despite losing elements of their machine (like unions). What we are seeing is a reversal of two party politics. While the republicans have typically quickly rallied behind one candidate, their primaries now resemble all out battles and the democrats already have their eyes set on Hillary.

I think the republican’s need a big presidential win in order to take back the senate. Riding on a popular candidates coattails, a newly invigorated GOP majority could come to Washington with the power and will to make some wins for the republicans. Otherwise, I just don’t think they will have the capital.

Congressional Republican approval ratings are currently polling around 20% while Democrat’s are hanging in the high 30’s.

The hope for the republicans lies in the failings of the Affordable Care Act. Obamacare has mainly received flack from the perceived failing of the individual mandate. Individuals have been outspoken about exorbitant increases in insurance costs and the inability to continue their plans. I’m not sure if this will end up causing as much trouble for the democrats as the republicans hope. While the numbers of cancelled insurance programs is estimated to be fairly high, the subsidies might makeup the difference. We won’t know until later, but if the ACA ends up working effectively then I think many Americans will be willing to overlook the misinformation. That is depending on who the republicans nominate.

I am also unsure if ACA will makeup loses over the shutdown. In September the Democratic National Committee out-fundraised republicans for the first time in 17 months while the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee set a monthly record. As democratic coffers swell, demographics are continuing to shift in their favor.

There is also a concern that GOP business contributions may dry up.

Either way, this move is a gamble by the democrats. the dems could make a couple of big wins in the senate and  possibly removed the spotlight from the ACA’s failures with the nuclear option. Or republicans will rally and take back seats in the senate – a move I doubt will take place before 2016.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Transphobe in the Mirror

My whole life, I have been trying to forgive myself for being transgender. I am now starting to realize that there is nothing to apologize for.

I’ve been struggling with my own internalized transphobia. 

I am constantly fighting the feeling that there is something wrong with me, the feeling that I should be ashamed. I am often caught saying “I’m transgender” with a tone that reflects a terrible confession. When I introduce myself, I often sound unsure of my own name: Emily?

I am complicit in my own oppression, putting the comforts of other before my own rights

Because I feel sub-human inside, I act like I don’t deserve fair treatment. I let my friends misgender me because I don’t look the part. I let a friend call me a “fucking tranny” in a room full people, and I barely said anything. I feel guilty when strangers gender me correctly because I don’t feel like I deserve it; It’s superficial. 

I’m out of the closet and into the confines of self-denial. 

When people do respect my human rights, we say “oh that’s so nice and great of them.” As if people deserve a medal for showing human decency. Transphobia is so typical that civility has become the exception. Friends applaud and honor my parents for how wonderful they have been for putting up with my condition, as if rejection is normal. 

It’s so hard to express yourself when you’ve been taught to repress your identity. 

I’m frequently afraid to present as a woman because I’m afraid I will justify hate against me. When I go out, I expect people to think negatively about me because I feel I deserve it. Every gaze hurts because I can see my own thoughts and insecurities in a stranger’s eyes. The self loathing is exhausting. It’s hard to condemn someone for feeling uncomfortable when I’m the one who feels like a monster. 

The Key to overcoming my transphobia comes from embracing who I am. We cannot be sorry for who we are. Instead, we need to demand more from those around us.

There is nothing to forgive.  

~Emily (typed confidently) 

Posted in Trans stuff | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Losing A Best Friend

how I’ve been feeling

Thought Catalog

When it happens, you won’t want to believe it. You’ll take their word for it when they say they’re busy, swamped at work, “just doing me.” You’ll make excuses for them, put your ringer on extra loud in case they call. But you’ll still feel the change, and because you can’t rationalize it, you’ll try to ignore it.

It’s a specific kind of loneliness that hits you like a wave of nausea. When the two of you are having a beer and you realize that you have both been staring out the same window for twenty minutes, nothing to say, the opposite of a comfortable silence. When they cancel plans consistently and stall when giving you reasons. When you scroll through your contacts and stop at their name and almost call but don’t, feeling suddenly, inexplicably, abandoned and confused.

Sometimes there’s no huge fight that marks the end of a…

View original post 485 more words

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment