I’m Back: 4.5mo/ HRT, End of Depressing Weeks, Optimism in High Gear

I am back to writing and blogging after taking a long break. The two weeks after I got back to DC had been some of the most stressful in my life, due to factors both within and out of my control.

It all started with the destruction of my bike and the unnecessary expenses of getting a new one. A day after getting a new bike, I had my tires blow out and needed to deal with that. This was coupled with the building stress of how little money I’ve put away. It looks like I will maybe have saved 2 to 3 thousand dollars this summer. I have a great paying job and have forgone going out and cooked all my own meals; I’ve also saved  ton of money being vegetarian ( for the most part). But it has been bothering me that I only managed to save about half as much as I’d hoped. I really want to have FFS as soon as possible after becoming full time, and having a lot saved up will really help make that happen. I have also had a hell of time finding a  place to live; my sublet runs out in 6 days. And of course I had been pretty dysphoric about my body lately and was disillusioned with my progress in electrolysis. All of this weighted heavily on me while I felt like my relationships with my friends were being strained and I was being left out gatherings as well. But the one thing that pushed me down even more than my voice or dealing with stress at work was when I thought that my ex (and like best female friend) and one of my best friends were messing around behind my back. I was left pretty depressed for about two weeks – fighting back tears as I spoke to customers at work. This all weighted heavily on me due to my hormones also getting knocked out of balance.

But after all the bullshit, I have emerged feeling better and more in control of my life. I have pretty much locked down a place to live, reconnected with my friends, spread my circle of trust, come to really like this new bike, and noticed some real changes brought on by hormones. One or two of my friends blabbing to everyone that I’m trans, which  has been trying to my patience, but I’ve found I’m not getting too worked out over it. I’ve really missed writing over the last few days. all of my drafts were super depressing and I’ve tried to keep the tone of this blog positive; I have plenty of depressing writings from the earlier days of my transition.

When I sit down and think about it, I have so much to be happy for. granted, of course it sucks being transgender. But, the constant feeling of wrongness and every little thing trying to bring you down lets me really take a time to appreciate the beautiful aspects of life and enjoy my relationships with people. When I look at how my friends have adjusted the way they treat me to make me feel like my proper gender, I can really admire the beauty of humanity. Rather than focusing on all the way my life could be worse. I have had the chance to be thankful for what I do have. Great friends, good education, loving parents,  a high paying job – all positives. While I may get down in he dumps occasionally, I’m trying to stay happy and look forward. I’m so excited to have my own place to live where I can have a space where I can do all the things I never could before. I think that will prove to be very emotionally and mentally soothing.

I have a lot of more substantive stuff I want to write about, I’ll try an get on that later. Hopefully I’ll have more time after I get a new place.

~Emily

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