So I’ve Been Away

I’m still back home. I came home expecting a great and refreshing break, which would give me plenty of time to write, learn french, and prepare for next semester. Here’s what has happened instead:

My dog died. 

Mattie was no ordinary dog – which is what everyone thinks about their childhood pet. But I truly know how deeply she touched my heart and my family’s hearts. I have never seen my whole family cry. I  have cried every day since she left us. She had an amazing connection with us and astounded me with her intelligence and capacity to love. That was undoubtedly  the worst day of my life to date, and the saddest I have ever been.

I haven’t felt like writing because writing brings me closer to my emotions, and I haven’t been able to stand it.

I did terribly in one of my major classes.

I know I could have done well, I thought I would do okay, but for the one-thousandth time, I have failed myself. I received a B in another class simple because I did none of the homework – I could have easily had an A. furthermore I showed lackluster performance in my other classes simple because I did not try. I don’t really understand why I do this to myself; when I apply myself, I do well.

Somewhere inside me, I think I would rather not-try and scrape by than try and fail.

Christmas was mediocre.

It was just my immediate family minus my brother and departed dog. Sadly vet bills ate up the Christmas budget. It just wasn’t a great time; everyone was sad inside.

My 21st birthday is coming up and I will probably celebrate it alone.

I’m not sure what I will do if I am home. I thought about trying to go back up to DC, but i’m not sure if there would be anyone there for me or a place for me to stay. I haven’t really received any invitations. Most my friends lives in the northeast and I am in the south.

(New Years will definitely be celebrated alone)

I’ve been terrified for the future.

I’m trying to decide what to do with my life. Since sixth grade I’ve only ever really considered three careers. I pretty quickly dismissed working as a Foreign Service Officer ( I also narrowly avoided the armed forces). I’ve spend my time deviating between aspiring to work as a financial/economic analyst or working in the political landscape.

On one hand, I have always had an innate fascination with markets and economic systems. But I’ve also always been an avid political junkie and am passionate about LGBT rights. This is stressing me out because I am trying to determine the path I will take to set myself up for senior year and post-graduation.  I am nervous that if I don’t prepare soon enough, I will not be able to break into the business world. While at the same time I am scared that I can’t find internships in the field because I am transitioning.

I am also interested in journalist pertaining to those fields, but I am stilled faced with similar issues.

I feel like I have a responsibility to other members of the LGBT community, and especially trans community, who are worse off than myself. I have a loving family, good education, and have been lucky enough financially to fund my transition. So, I feel that I should fight for those who cannot. I am scared that I won’t succeed working in LGBT activism and that I will neither make a difference or be able to  support myself.

But french is going okay.

Which is good, because if I don’t learn it in a year and a half, I can’t graduate.

au revoir,

Emily

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One Response to So I’ve Been Away

  1. rimonim says:

    Hi there, Emily! I’m really sorry to hear about your dog.

    Totally hear you on the fears about the future. I recently started grad school, so the agonizing decision of what to do after college is fresh in my mind–and I still doubt my choice sometimes. I also feel an obligation to try to help the less fortunate members of our community. It can feel like a heavy burden, cuz it’s impossible to guarantee success or know the “best” way to help. And of course, it is especially scary as a young trans person–we’re kinda in uncharted territory here. I get overwhelmed with anxiety sometimes. I have been feeling pretty good about my career plans lately, but feeling very anxious about my hopes to have a family (my fiancee and I want to adopt, but I am scared discrimination could prevent us). If it’s not one thing, it’s another, you know? I try to do as much as I can to stay grounded in the present moment, and deeply enjoy and experience it. That’s one of the few things that really helps me. Meditation–highly recommended.

    Best of luck to you. And happy birthday. 🙂

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